Time to put the paintbrushes away..?

I’ve hit one of those times in life where I know I need to make some big decisions about what I am going to do and when I try to work it all out, I don’t think there’ll be much more time for making art…

This isn’t as doomy and gloomy as it might sound. It bothers me slightly, but I have been lucky so far to have had the opportunities  I have had, to have had art to help me and the tools to express myself. For the future of my family and myself however, I need to look at something I can do to support us consistently and to work through my fears, anxieties, and fluctuating self esteem. I have been in two minds whether I should share my plan or not – if i don’t succeed it might be all the more embarrassing. But  I don’t think many people actually read my posts so I think I’m quite safe and I wonder if putting it here in black and white will make it more real. Over the next year – I need to do a little bit more work to get get myself in a good and stable place mentally. I am taking positive steps towards this already but it is slow and wobbly progress. I aim to be the best Mum I can possibly be to my children to support them as they grow. Actually, that’s something I always intend but sometimes I need to stop and rethink how I am doing that one so that I can do a better job. I shall be looking after my niece and plan to do a pediatric first aid course.

I also plan to learn to drive, or, at the very least get some lessons. Anyone who knows me will know that for personal reasons this is a huge deal for me and I am madly nervous but need to give it a good go. This year will have its difficulties but every year does.

I also plan to apply for a primary PGCE.

I did this just after my BA, but it was very last minute and I wasn’t successful. At the time this was a bit of a blow and I took it as meaning that I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t capable, was a bit of a joke even. With a more rational perspective and one that is much kinder to myself I simply say now that I wasn’t ready. I still have moments and sometimes days or longer where I have incredible doubts about my ability to do anything well, but I know this is just me being my own worst enemy, and I need to distract myself from these thoughts until I can be more realistic, sometimes this involves getting outside opinions – outside my own head. I can do it.

I am nervous about becoming involved in education as it is in it’s current state, but I have hope that things can improve and want to learn all I can to be the best that I can. I’d love to be a part of changing things for the better. As a teacher, I would want every child in my class to believe in themselves. First, I need to believe in myself to achieve this.

Wish me luck.