A holiday and a cross roads

I’ve had two weeks off – lovely.

Seeing a photo of my little niece reminded me just how much I had missed her but a two week break was refreshing and much needed. I managed to draw, for myself – because I wanted to draw, not because it was part of a project – I had almost forgotten what that was like. In the second week we managed a little break to the isle of wight – the five of us. This is something that is extremely rare and precious, being that we do not normally all live together  there was some uncertainty as to how we would cope in such a small space for that time, but we enjoyed ourselves, I think  it helped our family and we left feeling like we could have stayed for longer. For us – success.

This two week break is soon to be followed by a period of changes. In September my niece starts alternative childcare, something prompted by myself and understood by my brother and sister in law. I’ll miss having that time with my niece and although it is something that I will always remember and she will not, I hope it has helped our bond. My youngest will also be starting to pick up more hours at nursery which means I get a little bit of time back – something I don’t feel I’ve had for a long time and am trying not to feel guilty. I’ve absolutely loved being able to spend time with my daughter something I struggled to do with my son between working, volunteering and studying.

I expected to have a good solid plan of what I shall be doing in this time but actually because of indecision and a seemingly endless amount of possibilities, I’ve not settled on any fixed thing. The vague plan was to pick up some volunteering in a school and prepare for teacher training. I have semi arranged at least one batch of volunteer work but need to get back on it with communication in September to confirm. I also need to make sure I’m getting some money coming in, I am hoping that being available for more invigilating and able to keep up the set design work will help this but as usual I’m bracing myself for a juggle. Nursery hours are only so long and I need some energy to feed my children and be some kind of half decent Mum at the end of the day.

I’m trying to keep calm and still practice/make time for self-care – yesterday this was forced by a headache on my first day back home and this morning, I can feel the tension across my shoulders. I’m thinking of the many things I could or should be doing but trying to catch and steady myself as I do this. Often, when I plan or intend to do too much I end up having a crash which takes some time to recover from. This leads to a downward spiral of depressive thoughts  and my mind gangs up on itself for being useless. I’m aiming for less of that. (“You hear me brain?”)

I wanted to compile a book. I still do. I wanted to make more art and attempt to sell some of it at craft stalls. I need energy, time and a tad more confidence to pull that one off. I want to read more, learn more and wise up. I’m constantly on the lookout for useful courses but trying not to get overwhelmed. If I’m going to begin teacher training I need to prepare – there’s no chance I’ll be passing any professional skills test unless I begin the process of working my arse off. Which is an odd phrase. It didn’t occur to me that the sacrifice for becoming a teacher would need to be loosing my bottom…

I really don’t know what the future holds, who does? Usually this uncertainty would worry me, and it does a bit but I’m trying to embrace the idea of change and make those changes positive. I do want to get to a stage where I am more self-sufficient. Where I can better provide for my family’s needs  and contribute, give back to the local and wider community. To get here involves transitions and hard work.

Hard work is okay. I just need to organize and use my time wisely.

Exciting times lay ahead.